What year is this?

Zayden is two years old today! It's unbelievable. I look at the calender and it says September 25, 2008 but somehow I think it must be lying. Maybe it says September 25, 2006. That's probably right. I keep looking at it, though, and it still says 2008.

But wasn't it this morning that I woke up with that big Zayden belly? And I got Alycea and Lexie off to school - Alycea;8 years old;3rd grade. -Lexie;5 years old;kindergarten. I am so tired this morning. I can feel something brewing inside me. Anxiety that today is going to be different. But I can't think about that. I'm too tired. And I still don't want another baby. It's so quiet with the girls gone to school. And I can watch Good Morning America every morning now instead of Sesame Street. And I went through potty training twice, already. And terrible twos..and threes. And they can both ride their bikes with no training wheels. And they can both dress themselves and tie their own shoes. But this little baby is in my belly. And I'm sure he is so sweet and cute. But no matter how much I think about that, I still don't want another baby. Today is the due date. Can't think about that. I'm too tired. I need to sleep.

1:00 pm. I'm still asleep. I feel a weird pressure in my belly. Probably the baby kicking me. Or another contraction. I've been feeling those since Wednesday. Today is Monday...the due date. I cough. OMG! What was that? Something popped and now something is wet. Am I bleeding? OMG! I run to the bathroom, drips of blood behind me. You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant! I sit on the toilet and realize that its just "the plug" and my water has broken. Today is the day...the due date...the birth date!

4:00 pm. The girls are home from school. I'm having some pretty bad contractions, pretty close together. But it doesn't hurt as bad as I remember. But I had Alycea in 4 hours and Lexie in 3 hours, so I better get to the hospital.

6:00 pm. The contractions are worse. Still not unbearable. But my back is killing me! I want to get up out of this hospital bed. I need to walk, stretch, bend. I hate being strapped to these machines and stuck in this damn bed! No, I don't want an epidural. I just want to get up!

8:00 pm. No. The pain isn't really that bad. But I really REALLY want to get up! I'm dilated 7. I have scar tissue from a bout with cervical dysplasia/cancer when Lexie was born. They had to remove part of my cervix and now I can't dilate through that damn scar tissue. (Thanks again, Tom!) The nurse is stretching my cervix manually. Oh. My. God. that hurts!!

9:00. NO!! THE CONTRACTIONS DON'T REALLY HURT THAT BAD!! But my damn back is KILLING ME! I NEED TO GET UP!!! Wait. If I have the epidural will I have to sit up? On the side of the bed? And I will have to arch my back like a cat? Yeah. That will feel so good. Bring on the epi !!

Is this doctor really even an anesthesiologist? Does he know what he's doing? My God. That hurts so bad. What was that sound? AGH! Pain shooting down my leg and into my neck! I feel like I'm going to pass out. Someone is wiping the tears from my face. Am I crying? Yes. Something is wrong. The pain. He's hitting a nerve with that needle. I'm going to faint...
It's over. Sweat pours down my back like someone poured a glass of water on me...but only on my back. Nothing else is sweating. I'm freezing. The pain is gone.

11:00 pm. I'm still dilated 7. My nurse (whom, I don't like AT ALL) tells me that another nurse is going to try to stretch my cervix. She has long, skinny fingers, she tells me. lol. I think that's funny. Hilarious, actually. I can't stop laughing LOL.

11:30 pm. Long, skinny fingers worked. It's time to push. MIL tells me that she was right. Baby's birthday will be September 26. I say "Nah. He will be born by midnight." She laughs. Says that's impossible. They ask her and the children to leave the room. They prep me and ask me to push on contractions. I can't feel the contractions now, because of that stupid epidural. So I fake it. I just push and push. I figure if they don't want me to push they will tell me.

"Whoa! Hold on! Don't push! The baby's head is crowning! Wait for the doctor!"

Wait for the doctor!? For how long?? Where is he?? You mean I have to hold this? Like you hold a turd when a shit pain hits you and there's no bathroom? Are you fuckin' crazy??

"Just relax. The doctor is on his way."

What is wrong with you people?? If I relax, he will come out! There is a baby half protruding from my vagina!! It unbearable!!

The doctor arrives. "Are you ready to have a baby?"

LMAO!

11:47 pm. One push. Baby starts crying. My mom and husband start crying. Both are by the incubator with cameras in tow. I'm thinking 11:47! Ha! Told ya so! The doctor is whistling while he sews up the remains of my poor, tattered, stretched out of place vagina. The nurse is cleaning the baby. I hear him crying. I hear my husband saying something to me. But it all seems so foggy. Like a dream. Then it occurs to me that I haven't even looked at him. That little baby that has been in my tummy for nine months...that little guy that I still didn't want this morning.

I turn my head to face him.





Ohhh!! My baby boy! My son!! He is so beautiful!!! Bring him to me! I love him, I love him so much!


"Mama. Luub yoo, moowa"



Who said that? Zayden?

Wow. I guess that was 2 years ago. Look at my boy! He's growing up so fast! He has changed me so much in the past two years. He's made me a better mom. A happier person. He's made me slow down and appreciate the years I have with my babies (because they do pass by so quickly). And I'm so sorry that I ever thought that I didn't want him. He is proving me wrong in so many ways. I'm so grateful that God forgave me for my selfishness and blessed me with this child. (and all of my children. But today is Zayden's birthday ;))

Happy Birthday, Zayden. I love you!